Begin again…2018

I am no writer but I do have this habit of scribbling down something when in the mood. That is the reason perhaps I am reviving this blog of mine. So where do I actually begin? How do I begin again?

Alone time. I have to be on my own, alone in a familiar space so I can gather my thoughts and have better ideas to ponder. Perhaps that is the reason why I sometimes “freak out” whenever I am in crowded places. I cant get to think right and my mind starts to panic. But when I am alone, I can focus and begin to write something. (I am now recovering from flu, I guess the almost one week of rest, was ample time for me to realize, I need to write again)

Notepad and pen.  It may sound so backward, but yes I still have this “thing” for pen/s and small note/paper. I remember that even small receipts can serve its purpose of keeping some of the good ideas/realizations I have picked up along the way. Which reminds me, I saw some small written notes in a few old stuff I have kept long time ago. Those can serve as inspiration to try to begin again slowly.

Experience/Memories. Yes who says you cant draw something from your everyday life? I have written this and will say it again, everyday is a gift, you make the most of the day and give it all your best shot, at the end of the day, it is all done, we cant do anything to extend it, the day will close at 11:59 and a new day starts at 12:00. We encounter a lot of things, we saw, we came and we conquer. We need to be open to acknowledge that in this world we are in, there are a lot we need to process inside our minds, inside our hearts and within our spirit and lead our souls.

And so I begin…again…

 

 

A Prayer for the Year Ahead by Debbie McDaniel

Dear God,

We thank you that you know our way and you have a plan. We thank you for all this past year has brought, for the struggles as well as the blessings, because we know that you work through all things and will use them for good somehow, and for your glory. We confess our need for you again, for the fresh filling of your Spirit. We ask that you would make all things new, in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, for this coming year. We pray for your refreshing over us and for your deep peace within.

We ask for your wisdom, for your strength and power to be constantly present in us. We pray you would make us strong and courageous for the road ahead. Give us ability beyond what we feel able, let your gifts flow freely through us, so that you would be honored by our lives, and others would be drawn to you. We ask you to keep our footsteps firm, on solid ground, helping us to be consistent and faithful. Give us supernatural endurance to stay the course, not swerving to the right or to the left, or being too easily distracted by other things that would seek to call us away from a close walk with you.

We ask for your hand to cover us and keep us distanced from the evil intent of the enemy; that you would be a barrier to surround us, that we’d be safe in your hands. We ask that you will be our defense and rear guard, keeping our way clear, removing the obstacles, and covering the pitfalls. Lord, lead us on your level ground. We pray that you would give us discernment and insight beyond our years, to understand your will, hear your voice, and know your ways.

We pray for your Spirit to lead us each step of this New Year. We ask for you to guide our decisions and turn our hearts to deeply desire you above all else. We ask that you will open doors needing to be opened and close the ones needing to be shut tightly. We ask that you would help us release our grip on the things to which you’ve said “no,” “not yet,” or “wait.” We ask for help to pursue you first, above every dream and desire you’ve put within our hearts. Keep your words of truth planted firmly within us, help us to keep focused on what is pure and right, and give us the power to be obedient to your word.

We ask for your miraculous provision for every need, we ask for your grace and favor. We pray for your blessings to cover our families. We pray that you would help us to prosper in all you are leading us to do, and bring every plan you have birthed in our hearts to fulfillment.

Shine your light in us, through us, over us. May we make a difference in this world, for your glory and purposes. Set your way before us. May all your plans succeed. May we reflect your peace and hope to a world that so desperately needs your presence and healing.

To you be glory and honor this New Year, and forever.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Got featured…second time :)

School Librarian and Story teller enthusiast (also a former classmate and colleague) Zarah Gagatiga got me featured in her blog the School Librarian in Action (SLA) not once but twice 🙂  First one was in 2011 when I wrote something about my PInoy Librarian Idol, no other than my Mama, Miguela Vilma C. Gendrano-Anday. This year, after two years, she featured me again as a Filipino Librarian.

Reading the last few words I wrote in the article made me realize I sound like my Mama here 😀

“I believe for me, the fruits of all my labor are the intangible things that warm me as person and the hurdles and bumps and humps that I have overcome through all the years are the lasting rewards I will always be proud to have attained.”

Below are some more photos in the Deichman Library with the first one used in the featured article 🙂

This was during a party at the Deichman Library where library = drinks and books 🙂

A balancing act :)

12July

An advance gift 🙂

It’s been literally two straight weeks of “spanking”, “scolding”, fault finding weeks 😦 In as much as I would convince myself this is just another phase, a learning experience, a refining moment besides being a humbling experience, there is a few minutes (i.e. about a good 2-5 minutes) that I can not deny there is a pinch of confusion, hurt and disappointment. Even if I convince myself that it could just be another occasion of bad mood, something triggering that certain mood swing, and I should only take it professionally and not personally. I won’t dwell on the details just the feelings and the emotions I am feeling now. I feel I need to process this.

There are a couple of people I can freely share my thoughts and experience with and a few people who even if I don’t tell them anything, by simply being there themselves, hearing it clearly for themselves, speaks loudly that any “cloudliness” I may raise and feel.

But you might ask me, what keeps me going on? For one I have learned to live my life as if everyday is the last. Meaning, whatever happened today, I accept as it is. Whatever mistakes I make I can only learn from and try not to repeat it. Every day is a new day to start anew, to make good things and fulfill my mission in life. At the end of the day that I offered to God in the morning, I cam only embrace it with gladness and thankful heart because He saw me through the whole day. I can not change anything but I can admit that even if I fall short, I have given my best, my whole being into whatever I do, say and think. It’s not that totally easily, I can confirm that, but that is how I am able to manage my life after all the things that happened to me over the years. It is actually difficult but I don’t worry because I believe that God is in control and He has prepared everything for me, I just have to trust Him on every little detail of things that is happening and will come.

Aside from that, I have more than a handful of beautiful things and blessings to be thankful for. I have a great extended family to whom I can just be myself and be accepted for who I am. I have been given great friends who serve as inspiration and from whom I can share God given challenges and be assured that I am included in their prayers and in my prayers. I have friends who I rarely meet but I can turn to, pour my heart and not be judged instead be comforted. Plus there is an “angel” whom God never fails to send me to somehow keep the balance in my life.

And today, perfect timing indeed. a month before my birthday, he never failed to cheer me up in this difficult day, even weeks that was. I went to check out a bit earlier than I usually after work. Stayed a few more minutes to read something and reflect when we chanced to be both online. I just shared a bit and he just ask “what can I do to cheer you up?” My instinct was just to ask him play some music for me. Guess what? He was free to play the guitar for me…Yes he made the call and played several songs for me with matching good talk and sweet smiles in between. He remains a special person in my life. Some of the things he did for me and thoughts he shared served as my few good memories that keep me grounded. Some would say he should be my boyfriend. However at the moment, I am just glad, he is one boy friend who never fails to make me feel respected, love and special in small and bigs ways. I could never asked for more at the moment. I can only hope that everyday gets better and every step is a level higher towards the final goal that God wanted me to reach. That we continue to grow together even though we are miles apart.

Yes it is exactly one month before a new chapter commence and another year of abundant blessings abound. Sometimes I can not wait till the year is over and be at some other place. But as one friend told me about 5 years ago, you are exactly where you should be. at this moment. Of course i still have my plans and places I want to be and be with people I want to spend time with. I believe it will be according to God’s perfect timing again. I did not understand then but slowly, some of the things I have written in my bucket list and wish list that I presented to God, He is answering slowly one by one, not in a chronological order, the way I wanted it, but I am assured it is according to what is best for me.

I prayed, He answered and it is not always a positive response, nonetheless, I can sense, He is working in me and walking me through the path which leads to better and new things that is beyond my wild imagination and my human comprehension. Thank you for all the beautiful and lasting memories from where I can draw happy thoughts and never fails to bring smile to my face. Thank you for the composure that I can hold and exude positive aura in the midst of all the chaos and negativity that wanted to drown me and pull me down. Thank you for remembering to hold my tongue and temper, instead master my last drop of patience, go out and be with the nature to calm myself.

I am not perfect and will never be,I know that for a fact. however, I have grown to know when to keep things to myself and not argue with people who would not want to listen even to a single word of my explanation. Which reminds me, I think I have manage to choose which battles to pick and which conversation and connections I should keep in little, moderate and high level. Besides, when the day is over, it is always unchangeable, less regrets if you give it all your best. So smile while you can, offer a hand when you can still give and uplift also another person when given the opportunity to do so. My English could be incorrect to others, but I clearly understood what I wanted to convey because I have a grasp of what I want to converse. if it appears not to the kind of wordings that could work for others, I should not be bothered. It could be either they did not make themselves clear the point they are raising or they just have this certain attitude that they are the brightest and intelligent being over all the rest. I could not care much, besides nothing matters to me now more than what my God thinks of me and whether I am pleasing in His eyes or not.

To end, let me just say, thanks my dearest, a minute even on a non regular meet-up online is enough consolation and a beautiful way always to end my day at work. You have been that “angel” God summons to come and pull me through. You are such a BIG blessing in my life and I am really honored to be given a chance to have met you in this lifetime 🙂 I could not ask for more, except that God continue to bless our friendship and allow our connection as strong as ever! I love you!

Goodbye and Hello

I have been moved by this quote which I also shared in my Facebook account simply because it made sense me:

“Moving on is not always made as a personal decision. Sometimes, it just happens and you don’t have any control of it. It is a natural human instinct that if prevented, will only cause harm than good. Moving on is not a bad thing. It brings you to other places, gives you a chance to meet new people and makes you see the world in a much bigger view than before.”

On this first day of July, I have mixed emotions, really mixed that my brain is sometimes confused which thing to process. I feel that sometimes, my brain would like to surrender and just shut down with all the pressures and confusing signals that my neurons are actually delivering 🙂

Since that day that I appreciate how God ends my day, my week, my month, my year, I have never been really the same. No matter how beautiful or not so beautiful the ending is, I would tell myself, that no matter what happened, it is done, finished at least for that day, that week, that month or even that year 🙂 And there is great hope of a beautiful tomorrow and a greater surprise is set before you. I have remain hopeful and I have remain faithful. But human as I am, I don’t know right now if that hope and faith is being tested again, in a different arena. Not that I am doubting God’s hands working through it all but I just wanted to share not to be judgmental or even discriminating. Not even cleaning my hands nor am I claiming to be perfect and unblemished. Of course I have my own share of shortcoming, of which I am aware and of which some kind people do call my attention. But I guess some revelation as just too much for me. To much to bear and comprehend that with all due respect of trying to be as objective as I can, I fell torn and caught up in the middle ground. If you get to this part, I’m sure you can feel that by now 🙂

to be continued…

Four months now

Today I found something to share. As I read through it, the reflection is still almost the same 🙂

Reflection on my third week of work (5Mar2013)

Today marks the third week that I am back to the world of books, access and library services. Funny how God chooses to allow me to work on a day that my car is “ban” on regular hours. Meaning I only have ONE choice, to wake up early and traverse the busy roads of Manila to avoid being caught by law enforces.

Three weeks ago, I did not wake up too early in the morning (I was never and early riser since I usually live near my workplace or my school place) But that day, exactly three Tuesdays ago, I was beating the time they call the “window” for those coded vehicles to pass through main roads of the city.First activity, to meet with my boss a few minutes after arriving to discuss the responsibilities that my job entails then proceeded to an almost three hours meeting with another colleague for the activity that is currently ongoing (the second day of the Planning Workshop).

Some would wonder, why I keep count? The reason is, I have slowly lived only in  near future although I do sometimes plan for the middle future and looks beyond the very distant future 🙂 What does it mean again? If there is one thing I have been reminding myself, that is to be thankful for everyday blessing and every minute miracle in my life since God gave me another chance to live. I used to be so worry freak that I could have missed some stuff that signals go and stop 🙂 With that “encounter” that changed my life, my perspective, my disposition, my total plan in general, I try to focus each day on what needs to be done and continue to practice not taking my work home so I can find rime to really delineate what matters more and which needs less of effort and attention. When I feel worried and confused and agitated and a bit lost, I am grateful I am given many chances of walking around and savor the quiet moment of communing with myself, nature and with God.

Sometimes I ask myself too, is this what God wants me to do? Is this path, where He wanted me to travel next? I still look forward to studying again and that I am strongly clinging to His promise that He will grant me that “dream” Therefore while waiting for the opportune time, I wanted to enjoy what life has to offer to me. That I think is another reason why I celebrate every step of the way now more than ever in my life. It could not be a perfect job, but it’s something I know I can give my whole being to and something I would love to do. Of course I needed to adjust more than ever because it is something that is quite totally different from what I used to “have” . However, my work habits, dedication and enthusiasm to be of service and give excellent output remains in my whole system.

Adjustments, I will still be meeting more along the way and for sure there will be more challenges and hurdles  to face. Nevertheless, I know where I placed my trust and to whom I have entrusted my life to…I am confident that He will see me through every single split second of my life.

And it was all “Yellow”

I daresay when you don’t get what you want it is because there is something better on its way to you. – Becky Swenson

 

 

Sharing some nice thought from Josephine Hughes

Today I came across a nice article that stirred a bit of my emotions but reminded me of a last conversation with my dearest friend. As he was sending me off, “he hugged me and whispered, please don’t be mean on men and be open to anything”. It were simple words that left me thinking the whole trip but I kept it close in my heart. Then I also recalled how he said that not all questions are answered, they are sometimes better left that way. Whenever I am at some crossroads, words of people I love and value simply resound to me as an assurance of their presence in my challenging times. mostly in my alone moments. So when I came to read this post, I can’t help but smile and be thankful that somehow I am able to experience it one way or the other: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-happy-relationship-the-desired-things-of-love/

Below are some excerpts that I also wanted to share with you…happy reading!

“I knew that I had a choice about how I could respond to its loss: I could close my heart down or open it up even more. The result was my Desiderata of Love, the desired things of love, my way of salvaging fertile ash from the flames. – Josephine Hughes

Sprinkle it all over your life if you think it will help.

Choose one or two points that resonate with you; probably the ones that make you feel a little uncomfortable. Trust your instincts on this. These are the areas you intuitively know need attention in your relationship.

THE DESIDERATA OF LOVE

One day I will write a book about love and it will not be about flowers, chocolates, and romance but about iPods, laptops, careers, and diets—everything that love is not.

Recall how happy you were when you and your partner first met and remember this.

When possible, eat together.

Share the delights of hunger and then share what you eat. Share your chocolate, you favorite foods. It’s in meeting our simplest needs together that we bond. Avoid eating separately too often; food should bind, not divide us.

In this age of equality, value difference.

Some people feel loved when given space, others when showered with attention. If you’re not sure what makes your partner feel loved, ask. 

Don’t be too independent minded.

Let your partner help; it makes them feel needed.

Celebrate together, even the littlest milestones, but not always with alcohol.

Do invest in that weekend away together.

Those two coffees, those cinema tickets—sometimes it is a waste of money not to spend it.

Schedule together time.

Sometimes you have to plan the times in which you can be spontaneous.

If you have children, remember that in their innocence they will devour all the love, time, and attention you can give them. Keep some back for you and your partner.

Get a babysitter. What’s good for your relationship is priceless for your kids. Showing them a happy relationship is as valuable than sending them to the best schools.

Stop Googling answers to every question you come up with during the course of conversation.

Conversation is a journey made of wondering and imagination, not solely facts.

Switch off your computer and phone when you are together.

There is no intimacy in sitting at either end of a table with electronics between you. Make television a shared pleasure, not separate, watching different programs in different rooms. Comedy is good.

If one partner thinks you have a problem, and the other does not, there lies your problem.

Retain personal space; be mysterious, but avoid secrecy.

Take time apart, if necessary, to let your hearts grow fonder. Get counseling if you need, you have nothing to lose and everything—love—to gain.

Being vulnerable is not only about sharing your innermost fears and secrets, but sharing simple, silly joys.

Do not expect your partner to fill all your gaps.

They will fill some, friends will fill others, and other gaps will always be empty. Let that be as it is. The atoms from which we are built are, after all, 99% empty.

Love the fact you do not love everything about your partner.

Be forgiving. Learn to want who you have.

Your relationship is like a child, and no less than any child it needs your love, time, and attention; without these things, it won’t survive.

Don’t assume your partner will always be here. One day they won’t. When you see old couples still holding hands, notice what they have: not hair extensions, fake nails, fake tans, or perfect bodies; they have friendship, companionship, and time for each other. That is what counts.

Treasure what you have, with who you have, while you have it. Look after it as only you can.”

 

A life changing experience…

This is a prelude to the next article…

Collision…5Nov2010

I felt I just have to write down something to help me process my feelings after what happened today…a few days before my third month of stay in Oslo.

The last time I remember being in a car accident was when my car was just one week or month old…I was driving on a 20 kph speed and was turning right when I saw a jeepney approaching my side of the road and felt there was nothing I can do to prevent it from happening, just let it be, let go. Usually at some point of my driving life, I press my horn before turning a dangerous curve so that the upcoming vehicle and I are aware of each others presence. But that day, I was not like running on a fast speed since it was inside the school campus and I just had a good lunch date with my friends. Then it happened…tick, crash…and I was not wearing my seat belt which was the first time since I start driving…I could still recall the emotions and the sadness I felt when I step out of the car, the left signal lights are broken, the fender went in and my bumper collapsed. I was so shocked I did not know what to do, I then dialed my mother’s cellphone and was telling her I had an accident. And for weeks I think I did not drive and every time I see the damage of my car, I ask myself, was I really a  reckless driver? Some other questions popped up like: What if I was moving too fast or too slow, would it be a different scenario? If I was driving too slow, it would have been a head on collision. if I were driving too fast then the jeep could have hit my door and pushed me to the passenger’s seat. I then found out that the other driver did not have a good sleep and they were like transporting ornamental plants for a flower and garden show 100 meters away from the accident. Had the wife did not took the wheel, it would have been a major head on collision and the scene would totally be something anybody hates to see.

That happened in 2002 and could not imagine it happening more so in not so familiar place on a seemingly ordinary day. Though it is quite different now since I am not driving but the driver was a lady drive. Since I came here in Oslo, I am so amazed at standing inside the bus near the driver so that I can have a better view of the streets and so not miss the bus station I should get off. Though it’s quite weird to stand when there are some seats still available, I just want to savor the beautiful of the scenery specially if the route is new to me and I want to familiarize myself with it.

My classmates and I planned a good hiking trip and cap the day with a great dinner. So we were all excited and waited for the bus at the Majorstuen stop. We were jampacked in the bus. Only after several stops that some leg room became visible and me with my ever reliable camera tried to capture the things that were along the way. I remember one classmate asking us three girls standing if we want to sit down in one of the vacant seats and we all said, no, it’s ok. We were somehow enjoying us standing and looking at the view. Then I took a final shot of the downhill road (which was actually a few meters from where we should get off), shut my camera and securely held on to rail. I was looking at some grass that were frosted along the way and when I turn to the front, I saw a black car turning but it was going to our direction and I just closed my eyes. I whispered a prayer that the driver of the car manage to maneuver his car and avoid hitting us as I felt that our driver was driving carefully. But I also felt that no matter how she tries she can’t try hard enough to avoid it or else we fall at the ravine. So it collided, it made a loud sound, the front glass of the bus was broken and some shattered pieces of the front shield were in my hair. All I remember was to close my eyes so that no glass accidentally hit my eyes, my hands hit the floor and was so red, my camera was on the floor as well and I can feel someone is over/behind me. I was so shocked when I opened my eyes, what I saw are  these things I only see in movies but did not have a personal experience. There were indeed pieces of broken glass on the floor near me, my two girl friends also fall towards the front and I saw the black car now facing the same direction as our bus. Everybody was asking each other how we were and we all said we were ok, came out of the bus and indeed the road was slippery and so we just stand outside in coldness, while waiting for the medics and the police to come.

It all happened in a split second. We were all excited and had a happy mood to start with that day but after that collision, we were all like quiet. I for my part was thinking, what if we were going down in a faster speed, the scenario would have been worst. Was this phase part of the plan? Standing outside the bus, it was really cold and the fear of like where exactly are we, what if other vehicles come and cause a domino effect and there be more collisions? I admit I was so afraid inside but I was also praying that the injured man can also recover from the trauma of that accident and that help come as soon as possible. Then the images came again and I felt I was trembling and even if I want to share what I saw, I felt I can’t since it might cause more trauma than help. Good thing a fellow passenger volunteered to talk to the police. I know it was kind of selfish but thank you for saving me, you are a stronger person than me. Maybe next time I can also stand there and describe it all over without me trembling inside 😦

So I am asking myself now, what are the lessons I have to learn from this experience? One thing is that sometimes things can happen to shake us up a bit and try to ruin a beautiful plan but we always have a choice, to go on with plan and turn the negative experience into a positive one. Or we can choose to abandon the plan and just make another trip next time. Whichever choice we pick, be confident that an invisible hand will always guide you through. Since we were together as a group, we stick together and that makes us feel a little more confident that we can go through the path strong knowing that another warm body is with you. Also, if something bad happens to us, it does not mean we deserve to be punished or life is really treating us bad. For me, in as much that we are careful, some people with their own reasons are not as careful as we are, so we need to be extra cautious all the time. In addition, always keep that certain presence of mind, check how you are doing then look after those you are with. It surely gives you a great relief that other people are unharmed like you even if a bad thing happen. At some point also, not only vehicles clashes, sometimes even people collide with each other because of some differences in point of views or understanding and yet in the end what matters is that we come out of that collision unhurt and still breathing, with some minor bruises though. It’s also that kind of trust that comes in believing as well that when the sun sets, you are sure it will rise again tomorrow signaling a new day, a new beginning. Then we can start to look forward to better things to come in spite of the not so good experience right? We hopefully come out of this experience better individuals.

Nobody has that intention to hurt anybody and really accidents happen along the way where we least expect it. It creates a different image in our memory bank but when we can still stand from the fall, recover from the pain of the wounds, still manage to accomplish task and smile to affirm each other, we can always look back with gratefulness in our hearts. Thank God we are all safe and a little more cautious when we cross the streets and where we sit inside a public transport. Some lessons are really learned the hard way.

So as a final note, let me share a similar status I posted after I came home:

When you saw it coming & you can’t get back on the right route, you just let go, then the inevitable happen…a collision. You just close your eyes & hope it will not hit you head on. Then it all comes back & you can just be thankful you’re alive,  just some shattered glasses & bruises. Thank you Lord for manifesting your presence by catching me today in the bus. It was quite an experience, hopefully the good hike & sumptuous food erase the shock & fear in everyone 😉

P.S.

I must admit the hike did a marvelous thing to me. I felt the nature was communing with me with the cracking sound of the iced water along the path did sound like some shattering glass. It did some therapeutic thing to me as well. It somehow eases the pain inside and aids me to recover from the trauma of the “big” explosion that signals that start of our adventure. After the seemingly unfamiliar route back to take the next ride to the fine dining restaurant and being able to partake of the great meal with matching view of the sunset, I can say that was really a very good way to cap the day. Now back to our normals lives of readings and writing activities…A blessed weekend everyone!

To all my intercessors and good friends, thank you for all your prayers, the angels came right on time to cover us and save from harm. Nothing to worry, I am well and safely breathing alive in Oslo. God bless us all!

…the downhill road taken a few minutes before the accident…

Message from your Higher Self

My soul wants me to know that I’m a powerful woman. I am stronger than I know. But I am strong in a gentle way. 

Ebbing and flowing, yet expanding and evolving.

Changing, but not changing me. Becoming more and more me. Getting to know myself in a new way. Discovering parts of me that I never knew existed.

Realizing that what I admire about other people is already in me, I just need to access it.

Realizing that what I don’t care for in other people is already in me, I just need to recognize this to lay it to peace.

Realizing that I can do whatever I want to do—that when I’m authentic and true to myself, everything will unfold naturally as it’s meant to be.

That fear is a sign that I’m on the right path. That rather than feeding the fear or focusing on it too much, I need to recognize it, understand what it means to me, and then move forward.

Not to apologize for who I was, who I am, or who I am going to be.

 

*Excerpt from an article written by Leanne Kallal <http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-message-your-higher-self-wants-you-to-hear/&gt;